Do not fear going forward slowly; fear only to stand still.

Predictions that came true:

Friday night was hard, Jacki does not seem to trust me after a brochure came through for a fishing holiday. Sent via Parkdean, and coupled with the recent fact I told her I had joined a choir a month afterwards, and she revealed that I had told Catherine first. So there was a lenghty discussion or arguement as I like to call it. I suppose the only good that came from it was that I told her I was feeling very depressed at the moment. Of course her not trusting me has basis in truth as I havn't mentioned the Councellor. But telling her I wam deepressed was a way of laying the ground work for me revealling it. I will probably tell her I have done some internet searching today and will make an appointment tomorrow to see one on Tuesday.

Jacki and Abi were busy doing packing for Yenworthy on Saturday. So I was left to my own devices, and managed to do some work, went to have a haircut, rang the kids, and my sister. So I suppose I should focus on this and be pleased that I actually acheived some things on my list.!

Still feeling pretty down though, Jacki did as I predicted and offered to go out for lunch, cinema, or dinner. None of which I was particularly happy or enthusiatic about doing. So to an extent I was right. I think we managed to have an ok time. Although I can tell that being around someone so depressed is wearing for her. She does tend to take it all so personally as if she is failing which makes it difficult to talk about.

So to today. Slept well on Friday, and last night and have woken with some level of motivation for a day on my own. Previously I probably would be counting the minutes till the off liscence opens and I can start drinking. Knowing that I can't do that as it would jeapodise my liscence reapplication I know I won't. How strange, knowing that I might loose my marriage never stopped me in the past.

Plans or goals for today. Behave normally, in my mind I have set myself an hour on each of my projects. Bot, Book and Dr Who illustration. Put on Radio 7 listen to some plays. Go out at lunch time and by some sensible food, actually cook and eat. Get some sweets for the possibility of trick or treaters visiting rather than sit in the dark ignoring them.

Will let you know what is achieved!

Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.

Watching morning telly, I'm having a arguement with myself again at how much I've been ripped off by my ex-wife. How little she could afford to give me while the extension works to the house go on unending. Gives me chills of rage right now writing this. So I drive to work in my listless disillusioned state, appearing at work much the same. Tired, and completely non motivated. Jackie rings about some tickets and I can't even find the energy to be nice to her. Shitty amends to shitty jobs and a patronising 'if you run out of work, come and see me." Phone ringing every five minutes which no one can be bothered to answer, everyone continually moaning about someone who is paid far more than me who is rude and arrogant and gets away with incompetence.

Weekend ahead. I predict, an argument full Saturday where Jackie and I keep asking each other if there's something we both want to do, neither of us will decide. Me because I have no enthusiasm for anything and Jackie because, I have no enthusiasm for anything. We will probably finally agree to do something for the sake of it, which I won't appear happy with thus Jackie won't want to do. I will sit on the computer trying to work, Jackie will clean. I will cook. Bed. Sunday If I don't ring Steve and try and organise saying good bye to him, no one will call me, I will probably sit on the computer all day, smoking in between. Half heartedly cook some basic food, or eat from a tin. Ring children, miss Halloween. Bed.

Todays Adjectives

Lethargic. Gloomy. Dissillusioned. Unhopeful. Aprehensive. Regretful.

Things I despise No:1

People who are continually in a state of comfortable employment whilst displaying a level of staggering incompetence at their chosen profession.

I work with at least one. I'm sure you do too.

Never take counsel of your fears

Have I made the right decision? I'm nearly 39 and going back to counselling. This is not where I really ever wanted to be.

Keep a journal was the advice, perhaps only a word. So this is my attempt.

I think my initial thoughts after the first session are mainly uncertainty. Am I opening a bigger can of worms than I can cope with? And then there's the cost. But it's about the same as me spending the money down the pub 'self medicating!'

I said I'd do it whole heartedly, if I'm going to talk then talk I will, but in retrospect, I know there are things that are going to be incredibly difficult to say.

So do I feel any better, anything positive. My eye opener from the first session was 'You said today was an up day, but you still seem pretty flat'

Says it all really.