When you doubt, abstain.

Updates: Naming ceremony. Really didnt want to be there, forced politeness. Thought the whole thing was completely fatuous. Two people who are going through conselling and scream and shout at each other, promising to be great parents. Zoe has been married once before, that just seems to make a joke out of any vows promised to each other. I mean whats the point. Promise to yourself, promise to your partner, but standing up in front of friends, is anyone going to stand by these promises when the shit really hits the fan? I think not. Is it to show off, say look what I've got, look what you could have. Then go home and argue for England behind closed doors? Who knows. But I certainly didnt want to be part of it. I was only there for other people.

Nice to see Steve and Max, but just couldn't relax. Felt very awkward with the not drinking thing, never been out with steve sober in the twenty years I'v known him. And I think he found it strange also. Main thing I recall was again resenting other peoples happiness. I could not beleive the enthusiasm over the food or the boxing. I just wanted to say 'I'ts just a fucking curry!' but everyone else was having the most amazing time. What is wrong with me that I can't even let other people be happy. I remember some health anxiety also and wanting to leave. Thankfully didn't drink or partake so can gain some brownie points that way. When am I ever going to just be able to have fun.

Sunday was more relaxed. Was a normal ish day. Went to Wembley market which Jacki seemed to enjoy. Was a moment when I whtought mum was expecting us to stay all day, which I didnt want to do. Went to a restaurant I didnt want to with Jacki so was awkward experience.  advise people to speak the truth, but to be honest I wouldnt have had the enthusiasm to suggest something different so I had to go along with it. But I'm unable to put on a smile that doesnt look like I'm about to undergo root canal work.

Found out the girls are going to Egypt. Was actually surprised how little that bothered me. Though would have been nice to find out from Catherine first, but then again she doesnt have to check with me does she so now its beginning to pis me off if I think of it. I suppose if I'm honest I'm glad shes goint ghwih her mum and dad and no news of the fella going. So I'm pleased about that. And although Daisy is excited, would the kids really have chosen a Nile Cruise if they had been involved tin the holiday selection process. So I'm feeling a little self important when I think that I would not have done it that way and that they both want to go back to the same place I took them last year as it was so good, because mainly it was a holiday for them and not for me.

This week. I is mainly trying not to smoke, or to break the habitual routine I seem to be in. If I need then ok, but just because they are there....no, time to stop that. Still not drinking. Might have blood done. Need to reappply for liscence very sharpish.

Hopelessness has surprised me with patience.

Where to start.

Am very worried about Millie and her schooling, she is painfully shy and after parents evening her teacher sasys she may well get left behind. I'll have to see what I can do to help. She is a bright child but very quiet, which will hold her back.

Been awake since 4:50 thinking about the farcical appraisal of yesterday. Am I going to be petty enough to make a list!

Had a concept approved whilst writing this. Trying to involved the others in some conversation. Nice to see they asked me about parents evening. And yes I am keeping a list. Can I really be bothered.

Experiencing a wave of optimism after seeing a freelance designer website. But as usual coupled at exactly the same time by an equal wave of depression at the reasons why I can't achieve this.

Playing the Game

Summarise from Friday. A good weekend I thought. managed to keep all parties happy, until last thing Sunday of course and am now playing the 'Guess what you've done wrong' game with Jacki.

Head all about Yenworthy. Catherine is so sour faced, does she think that I am going to symaphise with her hardship about getting the kids ready in the morning. Something I would love to have to do. She seemed quite surprised that I had managed to get the open evening dates ahead of her! ha ha! And now due to a double booking she might not be able to make it. Sunday, kept the family happy by making appearances and delivering required presents. Spent the allocated time. really enjoyed the drive home with the girls, talked for the entire journey like we used too. Possibly the high point of the weekend to me.

Point I want to discuss is where the 'voice' comes from that tells me to be wary and not to be happy. I'v heard it alot today and yesterday. Don't be happy now because there is a possibility of 'A' happening. Or why are you singing, you know 'B' could still go tits up.

2nd Point I noticed over the weekend is 'I'll be happy when 'C' is sorted. or When 'D' is out of the way, then I can relax.

Discuss.

Review

Grew some balls and finally asked for my wage review.

Dig my grave with a silver spade

Another tough one yesteday. Disillusioned and finding work very depressing, laborious and uninteresting. Pretty tired and uninterested in even writing this. Choir was actually quite tough and didnt really work last night. Still concerned about my foot pain wich is over riding everything at the moment. Catherine rang, got her own way again and her realising it or appreciating it left me very low again. Ringing about jobs and not getting replys from people who cant be bothered. Just seem to be wasting my time.

Score: about a 3.

Shouting at the telly

Feeling rotten again. Shouting at the telly that a man should not be enthusastic about his bloody basil. So much I've had to turn it off. Bad night tonight, grumpy Jackie at work. A day of artworking. Not lookling forward to tomorrow. Nearly nine and I've done nothing. Eaten. Struggling to find the point again.

Myers Higgs Test Results

Your Type is ENTJ

Extraverted	Intuitive	Thinking	Judging
Strength of the preferences %
33	25	25	33

You are:

• moderately expressed extravert
• moderately expressed intuitive personality
• moderately expressed thinking personality
• moderately expressed judging personality