Updates: Naming ceremony. Really didnt want to be there, forced politeness. Thought the whole thing was completely fatuous. Two people who are going through conselling and scream and shout at each other, promising to be great parents. Zoe has been married once before, that just seems to make a joke out of any vows promised to each other. I mean whats the point. Promise to yourself, promise to your partner, but standing up in front of friends, is anyone going to stand by these promises when the shit really hits the fan? I think not. Is it to show off, say look what I've got, look what you could have. Then go home and argue for England behind closed doors? Who knows. But I certainly didnt want to be part of it. I was only there for other people.
Nice to see Steve and Max, but just couldn't relax. Felt very awkward with the not drinking thing, never been out with steve sober in the twenty years I'v known him. And I think he found it strange also. Main thing I recall was again resenting other peoples happiness. I could not beleive the enthusiasm over the food or the boxing. I just wanted to say 'I'ts just a fucking curry!' but everyone else was having the most amazing time. What is wrong with me that I can't even let other people be happy. I remember some health anxiety also and wanting to leave. Thankfully didn't drink or partake so can gain some brownie points that way. When am I ever going to just be able to have fun.
Sunday was more relaxed. Was a normal ish day. Went to Wembley market which Jacki seemed to enjoy. Was a moment when I whtought mum was expecting us to stay all day, which I didnt want to do. Went to a restaurant I didnt want to with Jacki so was awkward experience. advise people to speak the truth, but to be honest I wouldnt have had the enthusiasm to suggest something different so I had to go along with it. But I'm unable to put on a smile that doesnt look like I'm about to undergo root canal work.
Found out the girls are going to Egypt. Was actually surprised how little that bothered me. Though would have been nice to find out from Catherine first, but then again she doesnt have to check with me does she so now its beginning to pis me off if I think of it. I suppose if I'm honest I'm glad shes goint ghwih her mum and dad and no news of the fella going. So I'm pleased about that. And although Daisy is excited, would the kids really have chosen a Nile Cruise if they had been involved tin the holiday selection process. So I'm feeling a little self important when I think that I would not have done it that way and that they both want to go back to the same place I took them last year as it was so good, because mainly it was a holiday for them and not for me.
This week. I is mainly trying not to smoke, or to break the habitual routine I seem to be in. If I need then ok, but just because they are there....no, time to stop that. Still not drinking. Might have blood done. Need to reappply for liscence very sharpish.
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