When you doubt, abstain.

Updates: Naming ceremony. Really didnt want to be there, forced politeness. Thought the whole thing was completely fatuous. Two people who are going through conselling and scream and shout at each other, promising to be great parents. Zoe has been married once before, that just seems to make a joke out of any vows promised to each other. I mean whats the point. Promise to yourself, promise to your partner, but standing up in front of friends, is anyone going to stand by these promises when the shit really hits the fan? I think not. Is it to show off, say look what I've got, look what you could have. Then go home and argue for England behind closed doors? Who knows. But I certainly didnt want to be part of it. I was only there for other people.

Nice to see Steve and Max, but just couldn't relax. Felt very awkward with the not drinking thing, never been out with steve sober in the twenty years I'v known him. And I think he found it strange also. Main thing I recall was again resenting other peoples happiness. I could not beleive the enthusiasm over the food or the boxing. I just wanted to say 'I'ts just a fucking curry!' but everyone else was having the most amazing time. What is wrong with me that I can't even let other people be happy. I remember some health anxiety also and wanting to leave. Thankfully didn't drink or partake so can gain some brownie points that way. When am I ever going to just be able to have fun.

Sunday was more relaxed. Was a normal ish day. Went to Wembley market which Jacki seemed to enjoy. Was a moment when I whtought mum was expecting us to stay all day, which I didnt want to do. Went to a restaurant I didnt want to with Jacki so was awkward experience.  advise people to speak the truth, but to be honest I wouldnt have had the enthusiasm to suggest something different so I had to go along with it. But I'm unable to put on a smile that doesnt look like I'm about to undergo root canal work.

Found out the girls are going to Egypt. Was actually surprised how little that bothered me. Though would have been nice to find out from Catherine first, but then again she doesnt have to check with me does she so now its beginning to pis me off if I think of it. I suppose if I'm honest I'm glad shes goint ghwih her mum and dad and no news of the fella going. So I'm pleased about that. And although Daisy is excited, would the kids really have chosen a Nile Cruise if they had been involved tin the holiday selection process. So I'm feeling a little self important when I think that I would not have done it that way and that they both want to go back to the same place I took them last year as it was so good, because mainly it was a holiday for them and not for me.

This week. I is mainly trying not to smoke, or to break the habitual routine I seem to be in. If I need then ok, but just because they are there....no, time to stop that. Still not drinking. Might have blood done. Need to reappply for liscence very sharpish.

Hopelessness has surprised me with patience.

Where to start.

Am very worried about Millie and her schooling, she is painfully shy and after parents evening her teacher sasys she may well get left behind. I'll have to see what I can do to help. She is a bright child but very quiet, which will hold her back.

Been awake since 4:50 thinking about the farcical appraisal of yesterday. Am I going to be petty enough to make a list!

Had a concept approved whilst writing this. Trying to involved the others in some conversation. Nice to see they asked me about parents evening. And yes I am keeping a list. Can I really be bothered.

Experiencing a wave of optimism after seeing a freelance designer website. But as usual coupled at exactly the same time by an equal wave of depression at the reasons why I can't achieve this.

Playing the Game

Summarise from Friday. A good weekend I thought. managed to keep all parties happy, until last thing Sunday of course and am now playing the 'Guess what you've done wrong' game with Jacki.

Head all about Yenworthy. Catherine is so sour faced, does she think that I am going to symaphise with her hardship about getting the kids ready in the morning. Something I would love to have to do. She seemed quite surprised that I had managed to get the open evening dates ahead of her! ha ha! And now due to a double booking she might not be able to make it. Sunday, kept the family happy by making appearances and delivering required presents. Spent the allocated time. really enjoyed the drive home with the girls, talked for the entire journey like we used too. Possibly the high point of the weekend to me.

Point I want to discuss is where the 'voice' comes from that tells me to be wary and not to be happy. I'v heard it alot today and yesterday. Don't be happy now because there is a possibility of 'A' happening. Or why are you singing, you know 'B' could still go tits up.

2nd Point I noticed over the weekend is 'I'll be happy when 'C' is sorted. or When 'D' is out of the way, then I can relax.

Discuss.

Review

Grew some balls and finally asked for my wage review.

Dig my grave with a silver spade

Another tough one yesteday. Disillusioned and finding work very depressing, laborious and uninteresting. Pretty tired and uninterested in even writing this. Choir was actually quite tough and didnt really work last night. Still concerned about my foot pain wich is over riding everything at the moment. Catherine rang, got her own way again and her realising it or appreciating it left me very low again. Ringing about jobs and not getting replys from people who cant be bothered. Just seem to be wasting my time.

Score: about a 3.

Shouting at the telly

Feeling rotten again. Shouting at the telly that a man should not be enthusastic about his bloody basil. So much I've had to turn it off. Bad night tonight, grumpy Jackie at work. A day of artworking. Not lookling forward to tomorrow. Nearly nine and I've done nothing. Eaten. Struggling to find the point again.

Myers Higgs Test Results

Your Type is ENTJ

Extraverted	Intuitive	Thinking	Judging
Strength of the preferences %
33	25	25	33

You are:

• moderately expressed extravert
• moderately expressed intuitive personality
• moderately expressed thinking personality
• moderately expressed judging personality

The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.

Why can't I be more enthusiastic about what I have achieved. Because it's only a drop in the ocean. After the weekend have found that actually creating artwork in the new style where I am not copying other people and failing and drawing in abilitys and meida that I know and understand achieves more. Bth pieces are coming on well but I suppose in the enternal glass half full style am looking at it rather than a good start but that I still have so far to go and how long that may take.

Work is still very tedious and non interesting, which coupled with how much I could be achieving at home makes me down. I suppose many people do work they are not interested in. I still havn't heard from the possible role in Abingdon which is depressing, it is over a week now and another agency rings me yesterday with some half hearted attempt at a new position, not knowing , what role I am am looking for, where abouts or expected salary! Please see 'Things I Despise No:1" for clarification.

Daisy has left for Yenworthy. Jacki and Laura are sad. It's understandable, single mothers. Jacki says 'Wonder what they're doing now." I do empathise but welcome to my world. I have that every day. This is something I have to deal with all the time, 'what are they doing now etc.

To think too long about doing a thing often becomes its undoing.

Previously: Plans or goals for today. Behave normally, in my mind I have set myself an hour on each of my projects. Bot, Book and Dr Who illustration. Put on Radio 7 listen to some plays. Go out at lunch time and by some sensible food, actually cook and eat. Get some sweets for the possibility of trick or treaters visiting rather than sit in the dark ignoring them.

Will let you know what is achieved!

Well a positive result for the team. Managed to acheive everything on the list! And as a result I do feel slightly better today.

Is suppose the question now is raised, how can I achieve this more often.

Do not fear going forward slowly; fear only to stand still.

Predictions that came true:

Friday night was hard, Jacki does not seem to trust me after a brochure came through for a fishing holiday. Sent via Parkdean, and coupled with the recent fact I told her I had joined a choir a month afterwards, and she revealed that I had told Catherine first. So there was a lenghty discussion or arguement as I like to call it. I suppose the only good that came from it was that I told her I was feeling very depressed at the moment. Of course her not trusting me has basis in truth as I havn't mentioned the Councellor. But telling her I wam deepressed was a way of laying the ground work for me revealling it. I will probably tell her I have done some internet searching today and will make an appointment tomorrow to see one on Tuesday.

Jacki and Abi were busy doing packing for Yenworthy on Saturday. So I was left to my own devices, and managed to do some work, went to have a haircut, rang the kids, and my sister. So I suppose I should focus on this and be pleased that I actually acheived some things on my list.!

Still feeling pretty down though, Jacki did as I predicted and offered to go out for lunch, cinema, or dinner. None of which I was particularly happy or enthusiatic about doing. So to an extent I was right. I think we managed to have an ok time. Although I can tell that being around someone so depressed is wearing for her. She does tend to take it all so personally as if she is failing which makes it difficult to talk about.

So to today. Slept well on Friday, and last night and have woken with some level of motivation for a day on my own. Previously I probably would be counting the minutes till the off liscence opens and I can start drinking. Knowing that I can't do that as it would jeapodise my liscence reapplication I know I won't. How strange, knowing that I might loose my marriage never stopped me in the past.

Plans or goals for today. Behave normally, in my mind I have set myself an hour on each of my projects. Bot, Book and Dr Who illustration. Put on Radio 7 listen to some plays. Go out at lunch time and by some sensible food, actually cook and eat. Get some sweets for the possibility of trick or treaters visiting rather than sit in the dark ignoring them.

Will let you know what is achieved!

Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.

Watching morning telly, I'm having a arguement with myself again at how much I've been ripped off by my ex-wife. How little she could afford to give me while the extension works to the house go on unending. Gives me chills of rage right now writing this. So I drive to work in my listless disillusioned state, appearing at work much the same. Tired, and completely non motivated. Jackie rings about some tickets and I can't even find the energy to be nice to her. Shitty amends to shitty jobs and a patronising 'if you run out of work, come and see me." Phone ringing every five minutes which no one can be bothered to answer, everyone continually moaning about someone who is paid far more than me who is rude and arrogant and gets away with incompetence.

Weekend ahead. I predict, an argument full Saturday where Jackie and I keep asking each other if there's something we both want to do, neither of us will decide. Me because I have no enthusiasm for anything and Jackie because, I have no enthusiasm for anything. We will probably finally agree to do something for the sake of it, which I won't appear happy with thus Jackie won't want to do. I will sit on the computer trying to work, Jackie will clean. I will cook. Bed. Sunday If I don't ring Steve and try and organise saying good bye to him, no one will call me, I will probably sit on the computer all day, smoking in between. Half heartedly cook some basic food, or eat from a tin. Ring children, miss Halloween. Bed.

Todays Adjectives

Lethargic. Gloomy. Dissillusioned. Unhopeful. Aprehensive. Regretful.

Things I despise No:1

People who are continually in a state of comfortable employment whilst displaying a level of staggering incompetence at their chosen profession.

I work with at least one. I'm sure you do too.

Never take counsel of your fears

Have I made the right decision? I'm nearly 39 and going back to counselling. This is not where I really ever wanted to be.

Keep a journal was the advice, perhaps only a word. So this is my attempt.

I think my initial thoughts after the first session are mainly uncertainty. Am I opening a bigger can of worms than I can cope with? And then there's the cost. But it's about the same as me spending the money down the pub 'self medicating!'

I said I'd do it whole heartedly, if I'm going to talk then talk I will, but in retrospect, I know there are things that are going to be incredibly difficult to say.

So do I feel any better, anything positive. My eye opener from the first session was 'You said today was an up day, but you still seem pretty flat'

Says it all really.